life spells

i learnt pretty early on things aren't always what they really seem. yet every time something doesn’t turn out the way it should, it hurts. i should be immune to this stuff by now, instead of setting myself up for disappointment over & over. why does it always begin to feel familiar like the back of my hand before it blows up in my face ? man i tell you.. that invisible glimmer of hope can be so convincing at first & damningly misleading at the end. may be some things are just meant to be the way they are. laws of cause & effect are teasing me? it just sucks i might not find out until some time later...

going on retreat

..there’s a quaint little place out in Olaboduwa village, just off Gonapola (close to Horana, if i remember right) in Sri Lanka, where you can go on a spiritual retreat. Ayya Khema International Mediation center lies in the midst of rice fields & rubber plantations & holds retreats every first Sunday of the month for anyone who wants to initiate a personal exploration of Buddhism.

this place is run by Aramaya Bikkhuni Kusuma, a fully ordained buddhist nun who was among the few educated women influenced to re-established the therevada bikkuni order in sl. when her mentor, Ayya Khema passed away in ’97, a chunk of the responsibilities was piled up on her & the meditation center was built with the help of donors all over the world. google her or look her up on fb and she even has some pics out of this amazing place. Or check out the link;
http://www.congress-on-buddhist-women.org/index.php?id=71

ok..

i woke up restless. i just knew something wasnt right. called home at the crack of dawn, it turns out he needs a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation done asap. he needs to be watched up close. dr's fear he could unconsciously harm someone around him. "they think its me" , my mother explains quietly, the pain & confusion is so intense i could almost feel it through the line. she's helpless at this point, she just wants to hear me say ok, almost like an alibi, i think. i've heard people say that when you run out of options, you get backed into a wall. i think we may just have stepped into one.. as much as i dread, saving him (mentally) is out of my hands..but i can still save her. and i say ok. so the waiting begins, all over again..

grown up baby steps..

things have improved dramatically. we have been looking past the big elephant looming in front of our eyes for way too long. neither of us wanted to go there. but now i think we both have realized just like any other relationship, ours needs investing. be it time or just little random things, but a genuine effort at that.
we are working things out, just one step at a time. grown up baby steps as my bff jokes :) some days we can see things clearly forever and then some days i just want to kick him you know where. all in all, it boils down to .. i can just sit around all day moping and pitying me or i can get right back up and move on and do the best i can. well i don’t know how things will play out in future but all i can do now is to be absorbed in the present. not to dwell in the past. the willingness to try is, love itself, right? well i think so.

Layers..

a friend sent me this short poem on fb, and now i cant get it off my mind. (its my day off!) what other possible way could i find some tranquility in life especially at a time when my head knows not to go back, but my heart is being tugged & twisted.


"The Layers" ~ Stanley Kunitz

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being abides
from which I struggle
not to stray.

When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?

In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
Yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road is precious to me.

In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."

Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written.
I am not done with my changes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I'm too not done with my changes,something tells me more awaits...

full circle

All relationships in general, are difficult at times. Over time, the dynamics of any relationship can evolve or change and you've got to work at it. I have seen it first hand growing up and even now just looking around,I see it everywhere. While I'm aware of the non-existence of "perfect relationship" out there, it's tough when it hits home. It feels awful, to say the least. I can rack my brains all day & night for an answer,but it always does a full circle & stops at the same damn place where I first started.

In or Out? I want to choose in because the rational part of me screams that's what a good mother should do and more essentially, my mom never left and she stuck out for me. After all, what kind of a mom would I be, if I take the easy way out?
I want to choose out because I know things would never be the same again. I'd be willing to give yet another go it,because at the end of the day I'd always blame myself for everything. I have a ready made list of excuses..maybe I didn't try harder,may be I should've done that or maybe things will change...maybe someone else has it much harder than I am..and a bunch of "what if's"..

It seems "in" is ganging up on my "out" and I'm back again to where I first started..

floodgates

..flashbacks of random memories just keep flooding back, constantly beckoning with glimpses of the past. it keeps me up all night. for the longest time, i kept shoving them somewhere in my soul not wanting to succumb to any. why would i ? many of them don’t invoke much happiness. somehow they hv now made their way back into my head like an unwanted guest. i carry a lot of guilt around for not being there to help them out now more than ever , physically & emotionally. it’s a feeling i cant describe..just dark & hollow. yet the same time im kind of relieved that im not there to see whats unfolding. seems very selfish. i think in a subtle way or another we (i) interpret what has been endured, through the kind of people we become. well..atleast i know i have.